<\/p>\n
She picked the worst time to tell him, when they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just finished. They were lying, side by side but not touching, sweaty and sore but almost happy. He reached over her and grabbed his cigarettes from the mantel, pulling a lighter from under his pillow. He only smoked when he was afterglowing. Or drinking. Or driving. Or working. Or seeing his nephews. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Those things will kill you, you know,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she said. He shrugged; he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d heard that a million times before. Then, just as he was holding the flame to the tip she blurted out \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m cheating on you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Joseph paused. He took a drag. Maria gazed at him intensely, trying to gauge his reaction. He took another puff and then got up without a word. He pulled on his trousers, shrugged on a shirt which felt like sandpaper and smelled disgusting, put on his shoes, no socks and let himself out. Maria felt like she should call out something facile like \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Where are you going?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d but she realised she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d lost that right.<\/p>\n
Joseph reached the street. It was pitch black\u00e2\u20ac\u201c he went to check the time and realised he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d left his watch and his phone back at Maria\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s place but he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go back. Luckily, he still had his keys, wallet, lighter. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have to buy a new mobile. He set off down the street, towards his flat, which he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t visited in a week.<\/p>\n
As it turns out, he might as well have stayed. It was too late anyway. He was already infected.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Joseph William Ryusei Nakamura had been drinking since he was fifteen. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been having sex since he was seventeen and smoking since he was twelve. He tried marijuana for the first time at seventeen, cocaine when he was twenty. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been a lifelong addict, layabout and loser. However, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d only been a vampire since 1:18 that morning.<\/p>\n
Joseph awoke to find his hand on fire. He screamed and jumped up, trying to shake the flames out. He backed into a shaft of sunlight streaming in between the curtains, instantly starting to burn and bellowing in pain. Diving back into the shadows of his bed, instinct driving him to shun the light, he pulled off his pleather jacket (he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d slept in his clothes) and wrapped it around his hand. The flames went out. To his shock, there was no pain; Joseph pulled the jacket from his hand and found absolutely no damage to his skin. He turned it to look at the other side\u00e2\u20ac\u201c completely unblemished, although somewhat paler than usual.<\/p>\n
Gingerly, he poked his index finger out into the excoriating light and then instantly withdrew it as it began to smoke. He knelt on his bed, trapped in between two shafts of abrasive sunshine. A gaol made of light. He thought to try and phone someone, but realised he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d left his phone at Maria\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t leave the flat; immediately outside his front door there was a large window overlooking the street. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be ash before he reached the stairs.<\/p>\n
He realised he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even know what time it was and looked around\u00e2\u20ac\u201c there was a clock in the kitchen which had stopped he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how long ago. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d pawned his laptop two months ago to pay his rent. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never bothered to programme the timer on his VCR. He was trapped in an ageless bubble, outside of the time-space continuum.<\/p>\n
He sidled up to the window and managed to close the curtains without the sun hitting his skin. He sank down to the ground and put his head in his hands. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fuck,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said to the room at large. He went to the kitchen and tried to find the kettle\u00e2\u20ac\u201c it was hiding beneath a pizza box. There were no clean mugs, naturally, but he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d managed to snag some paper cups from his nephews\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 birthday party the week before. He found the pack, which he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d stashed in the dishwasher (the only spotless place in the whole flat) and there were no clean paper cups either. Eventually, he found an old Fanta bottle and made the tea in that.<\/p>\n
He took a sip and spat it out; he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t expected it to be good, but he also hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t expected it to taste like rot. Orange-flavoured rot. He poured the concoction down the sink and went to the fridge. There was nothing in there that wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t also taste like mould. He slammed the fridge shut and then the shriek of a telephone made him jump.<\/p>\n
He looked around wildly. The phone rang again. It was a landline. He had a landline? He followed the noise and discovered the phone had been living peacefully in a laundry cave near the toilet. By some miracle, it had not been unplugged. He wondered who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been paying the bills for it.<\/p>\n
He picked up the receiver but didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say anything\u00e2\u20ac\u201c he always let other people speak first on the phone.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hello?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It was Saul.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hey,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Joseph replied, his voice breathy and low.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I heard about Maria, man, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Joseph coughed, but he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to restore his voice to what it had been.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really shitty man. Real fucking shitty. Do you know who the guy is?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, if she tries to get any money from you, you get a test, yeah? I mean, it probably is yours, but it never hurts to check.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Joseph\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s world stopped turning. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, my cousin was getting child support from this guy for eight years before she realised-\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Maria\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pregnant?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Saying the words aloud hurt him more than the sunlight.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, yeah, I- I thought you knew.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Joseph put down the phone. He swallowed hard and then shucked his jacket over his head and marched towards the front door. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just put his hand on the knob when a voice behind him drawled \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Joseph turned; standing behind him was The Devil. No horns, no tail, no forked tongue, but somehow Joseph knew. He had lank, light brown hair, which reached down past his shoulders, and a five o\u00e2\u20ac\u2122clock shadow. His face was long, with a pointed chin and a roman nose. Joseph would have described him as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153horse-faced\u00e2\u20ac\u009d if he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been terrified. The Devil was wearing a red kaftan, and held a long, black cigarette holder in his left hand, a scotch on the rocks in the other. He was completely at ease, looked almost bored, in his surroundings.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153The sunlight will kill you, Joseph.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He took a swig from his drink. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153And we need to talk.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you want from me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Joseph found his voice surprisingly strong, in spite of his terror.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153To apologise mainly,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said, vaguely waving his hands in the air, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m afraid I rather cuckolded you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the one Maria was sleeping with?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Joseph thought he might be sick.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153\u00e2\u20ac\u2122Sleeping with\u00e2\u20ac\u2122.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The Devil scoffed and took another swig, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re both men, Joseph: I was fucking her.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh God.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
The Devil raised an eyebrow, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Quite. But, you know, monogamy is an outmoded concept anyway\u00e2\u20ac\u201c it was enforced so that everyone knew whose child was whose.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He took a puff from his cigarette and waved his hands some more as he pontificated, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But, as refrigeration spelt the doom of kosher, so too does the paternity test eschew the need for such antiquated etiquette. We live in an enlightened age\u00e2\u20ac\u201c we can all fuck whoever we like.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He suddenly looked nauseated at what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sorry\u00e2\u20ac\u201c whomever.<\/em>\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n A horrible thought occurred to Joseph, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Is- is the baby yours?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The Devil nodded, but didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem particularly excited by the prospect, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, this is one case where aforementioned technology is, in fact, entirely superfluous. I know that that baby\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s my progeny\u00e2\u20ac\u201c I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m what you might call \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcsuper-virile\u00e2\u20ac\u2122.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He put his drink down on one of the many piles of shirts and then flopped down theatrically onto the sofa, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Which brings me to the other reason I thought we should talk.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He took a long drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke out of his nose, regarding Joseph languidly. Then, he pointed at one of the windows and lazily flicked a finger. The curtain sprang open and poured light onto Joseph, he shrieked as his skin began to blister and his eyeballs dry out. The Devil watched this with mild detachment for a few seconds and then flicked the curtain back into place.<\/p>\n Joseph collapsed to the floor, although the pain was already gone and his skin bore no sign of the recent trauma. The Devil yawned ostentatiously and then leant back on the sofa, crossing his legs. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I presume you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen those absolutely tedious t-shirts that say \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcLife is an STD\u00e2\u20ac\u2122; well, it turns out so is unlife.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Joseph\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyes widened, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a vampire?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The Devil\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nose wrinkled, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you like. Personally, I feel that term is thrown around far too often. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m something of a purist, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll find. I mean, taking Stoker\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s text as the de facto<\/em> bible, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really meet the parameters.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He picked up his drink and swirled it a few times, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re certainly not human.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do I\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6drink blood?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Joseph put a hand to his stomach\u00e2\u20ac\u201c it was growling at the thought.<\/p>\n The Devil rolled his eyes at this, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, you \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcdrink blood\u00e2\u20ac\u2122,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d here he mimicked Joseph\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s voice and assumed a mocking, slack-jawed expression, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153So does a mosquito, yet you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t call it a creature of the night.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Joseph grimaced and The Devil said \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be so squeamish when it gets to night time, trust me: you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be prowling the parks like any common reprobate.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why- why did you do this?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The Devil sniffed, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, I needed Maria for my Plan. And you were just the lucky loser who got to eat my sloppy seconds.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re disgusting.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The Devil snorted, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m much more than that. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m evil incarnate. And now,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Here he stood up and patted Joseph on the cheek, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are too. Welcome to the counter culture.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He downed his drink and dropped the glass; it shattered on the floor.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What am I meant to do?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Joseph asked, his voice quivering.<\/p>\n The Devil shrugged, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Whatever you want: kill yourself, join the Klan, start a blog, watch Glee. Why not? It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not like you can be a good person anymore anyway.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He paused, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153At least from an absolutist stand point. Obviously, a meta-ethical relativist will tell you that there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no such thing as \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcgood\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 anyway. But I think they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d change their mind if they knew that heaven was real. Anyway, I absolutely must be going. Valedictions.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He vanished, no burst of flame or crack of thunder, just a faint pop and the smell of cheap wine. Joseph collapsed onto the sofa where The Devil had been sitting a moment earlier and then went to light a cigarette. He watched the flame of his lighter for a while and remembered all the times Maria had told him that smoking would kill him and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d quit if he really loved her.<\/p>\n Well, she could go to hell.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Rory Kelly<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" She picked the worst time to tell him, when they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just finished. They were lying, side by side but not touching, sweaty and sore but almost happy. He reached over her and grabbed his cigarettes from the mantel, pulling a lighter from under his pillow. He only smoked when he was afterglowing. Or drinking….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":113,"featured_media":5616,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false},"categories":[442,407],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/Stefan-XpviaWikiCommons.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5649"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/113"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5649"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5649\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5616"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5649"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5649"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hyogoajet.net\/hyogotimes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5649"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}