“Let’s have a hot bath together, go on, it’ll be fun!”

 Onsen: a short history.

 

暇つぶし（ひまつぶし）is a Japanese word whose meaning, as a JET, is probably extremely familiar to you by now. It literally translates to “crushed time,” and is the Japanese equivalent of our “killing time.” In my case, killing time at work usually involves drinking copious amounts of coffee that comes in wee little bags that clip onto the side of your cup: one to two bags down and you’re well lubricated, sashaying down the aisles of the office exchanging small talk with co-workers with the grace of a world champion ping pong player, pinging conversational ping pong balls down the social ping pong ball table with precision aplomb. Three to four and you’re hunched double down the back of the photocopier, legs akimbo, huge egg-like eyes peering out from behind the paper tray

 

Tonsil Tennis

 

There are other ways, of course, to make use of the not insignificant amount of downtime that is part and parcel of the JET experience: brush up your Japanese skills by taking an online course, get up and brush the area around your desk, (if you can collect enough compacted dust and lint, you can make a rudimentary stress ball– makes a simple yet effective Christmas stocking filler), brush the hair of the colleague sitting beside you when he’s having his bi-hourly nap (it looks great on you Mr. Yamada, trust me), take an hour of “nenkyuu” and go out to the shop and buy a few brushes (leave one inside every lunchbox you can find next to the sink– trust me your coworkers will be in stitches), pop out to the gym and play ping pong with a brush instead of a bat and a bat instead of a ball (every time you score a point, shout out “brush”)– trust me the kids will love it, and so on.

 

Cometh the man, cometh the hour

 

But what about Onsen you say? Two paragraphs in and nary a peep about Japan’s secret past time, and all this stuff about brushes too! Honestly, I just don’t know where to begin. Onsen (pronounced “awn-sayin” if you are fond of wearing tight stonewash denim, and even if you aren’t, you probably should) are part and parcel of Japan’s leisure industry. They aren’t really somewhere you can go when you’re supposed to be sat at your desk crushing time by compacting balls of hair, dead skin and rotten food into seasonal presents to send home to your family but hey, in a world where yes means no and “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” are de rigeur, anything’s possible.

 

A Muppet Christmas Carol

 

Onsen are one of the cornerstones of Shinto Buddhism in the sense that a healthy, clean body equates to a mind and spirit of similar disposition. Most Onsen that you will encounter are not Onsen at all, but in fact Sento, Onsen requiring mineral infused water to be present in at least one bath, and no cheating like adding minerals to regular bath water either. The ritual for bathing is precise– when you walk in, you’ll see a plastic stool on the floor with a showerhead above it, and if you’re lucky, some large bottles of industrial strength body sopu and shanpu that’ll take five years off you (as well as about 40 percent of your epidermis). To avoid absolute catastrophe, follow the following rules like a malnourished frostbitten man on a mountain following a yak along a treacherous ledge– one false move and you’ll be an early Christmas dinner for the societal vultures circling above you.

 

 

Things to do

 

1. Wash the wee plastic stool thingy before you sit on it with the shower head.

 

2. Wash your hair and then your body once, with the complimentary exfoliants as a pre-wash cleanser, then follow with a secondary, vigorous hair and body wash. Finally, follow with an in-depth deep pore pre-bathing penetrating wash. By now, your body will be stripped of all dirt, sweat, natural oils, vitamins and minerals and you will resemble a freshly embalmed Egyptian princess (yes that applies to you too boys).

 

3. Fold the B4 paper sized wafer thin towel that you were given at the reception desk (oh you didn’t forget to get one, did you?) into a small square pie shape. Balance it on the top of your head. DO NOT allow it to fall in the water.

 

4. Gently lower your red raw body into the 40c plus water and enjoy.

 

Things don’t do

 

1. Getting the small pie shaped towel wet

 

2. Non-stamping of nenykuu forms with personal hanko resulting in unauthorized nenkyuu or stamping of personal hanko on nenkyuu form in incorrect position resulting in unauthorized nenkyuu.

 

3. Heavy petting

 

Terminator Genysis

 

There’s a great Onsen I go to near Komabayashi subway (Kaigan line– you know, the blue one). Is it really an Onsen? I’m not sure, there’s brown water in some of the baths, but the cause of that is anyone’s guess. Sometime last year, there was a large bulbous squash on display in the foyer. Probably not there now, mind.

 

 

END

 

Scott Patterson